There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
