it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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