tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
