We named our party play list daddy issues
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
