textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I just googled if crying burns calories
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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