I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
