My balls are so social today.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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