Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
