Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
