I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
she told me i tasted like america
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
