oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
