Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
