his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
