i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
