I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
