You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
