Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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