one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
