trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
