I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
