I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
