I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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