It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I need to calm my uterus...
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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