it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
