wake up i wanna do it froggy style
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
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