Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
