Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
