Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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