i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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