who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
