I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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