I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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