Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
