I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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