I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
