I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
