if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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