Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
