yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
