so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
