I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
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