i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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