I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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