the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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