You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
