I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
