your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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