why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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