K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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