We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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